I'm sitting here at 2 minutes to 1 in the morning having just edited the trailers for the first two episodes of my podcast. I have to say I feel really content to be using my creativity and audio editing skills to put this podcast together.
It has been intended to be a 'no pressure project' and something that I wish to test my obsessional level of perfectionism with. I've spent so much of my life feeling like I'm not good enough, that I could have done better, that I'll never be happy with something I've done because of A, B and C which more often than not ends with 'oh, it will do' and 'just forget all about it now'.
Hold on just a sec, doesn't this mindset mean that I take little to no joy in celebrating my achievements?
Self fulfilment is a natural part of having a healthy lifestyle.
Despite this mindset, I've spent the last 10+ years presenting myself as a positive person that knows when I've done a good job or when I've aced something.
I will humorously put my negative thoughts down to being raised around family members with naturally negative mindsets. An experience which the vast majority of the population can relate to.
It's almost as though I've thought that this act of mine, together with the 'fake it until you make it' vibe would create a bit more internal positivity overtime... and to give credit where credit is due... it has in lots of ways but I've learned of late that my OCD catastrophises these negatives by obsessing over them, more than I even know, or care to admit for that matter.
This blog and podcast is not only my way of opening the conversation on well-being but to test my OCD's obsessional perfectionism in a way that's merged with lots of vulnerability.
Someone said to me recently that showing vulnerability is strength and that there can be so much misconception without it. It really opened my eyes.
I have never been so publicity open about my mental health but perhaps that's why I find such comfort in the ability to remain behind this screen.
Catching the negative thoughts and replacing them with healthy ones is the only way forward, and maybe this project is part of the practice.
A friend recently said that I'm "such a people person, have the ability to have an impact on people of all ages and have a great way of encouraging people to look at their situation from another perspective" which was such a huge compliment and an interesting one giving that we can never seem to support ourselves in the ways we support others.
I've always struggled to see in myself what others see in me but I'm noticing a change in the right direction.